the STUFF hit the fan

So hubz and I were getting ready to leave on Sunday morning and I can hear MIL say that I never communicate with her, she tries and I wont let her. (We had 2 sit down talks with them and she never once said anything even when asked if they wanted to say something.) So I went into the living room and told her I heard what she said and she got very defensive and said that she has tried to bring up the past several times but I dont want to talk about it so I shut her up and never let her talk. I asked her when she tried to bring up the past and she said several times but could never give me an answer.


So I told her well we are here now, what do you have to tell me? So then she proceeded to tell me,


"It is all YOUR fault I am about to lose EVERYTHING!!"


WOW! I was floored, and here I was mistakenly thinking it was FIL who was laid off 4 months ago and has refused to apply for unemployment, or collect his retirement, or get his birth certificate so he can get his drivers licence so he can get another job. It is my fault that FIL refuses to call the mortgage company and tell them about the situation they are in so the mortgage company can make accommodations for them.


"If you would not have taken all of my antiques to the house, they would not be in the garage and I would not be losing them now!"


The antiques MIL asked me to take to their house. We were asked on 2 different occasions to move furniture halfway across the country. The she tells me I threw away all her important papers in a desk. I didn't touch the desk, hubz put every single paper from that desk in a box and handed her the box. MIL accused me over and over of throwing her papers away, I got tired of it and said fine if you need to believe that so much, then I threw them away. Then she screams I KNEW IT!


"You melted like butter when we had money and now that we don't you treat us like scum!"


Well is having someone make your dinner AND serve you, AND clear your plates when you are done is treating you like scum, then SIGN ME UP!!! I asked her to please tell me how I was doing that and she said I just was. "Since the day we got here you made us do stuff and we were tired from the trip and it took us a week to get over that trip and you expected us to do stuff." I replied, "I personally waited on you both hand and foot for 2 whole weeks when you got here. and YES I do expect you to do stuff, like pick up after yourself and clean your mess." she retorted, "You know I cannot stand up for a long time and you expect me to clean this whole house!" no, I expect you to take the 2 empty pudding cups, soda cans, and popcorn bags you ate 30 minutes ago to the trash can you WALK BY on your way to the fridge for another 2 pudding cups, can of soda, and popcorn. Is that too much to ask?


Then she said I yelled at her. I asked when and she referred to the Craft Room Incident. She starts screaming at the top of her lungs and making these huge hand gestures claiming that is what I did to her. I was not in the room for a whole minute when the exchange took place. Had i done that to her someone would have heard and said something. 


"You want to know why we don't trust YOU? You have lived here rent free for 5 years and have not made one repair."


BECAUSE IT IS NOT MY HOUSE! And WE have made repairs. we remodeled 4 rooms in this dump. I do not have $50,000 to spend repairing plumbing, electrical, and putting a new roof on a place that I do not own. She claims we had an agreement that they would send money to fix the house. I asked her to show me where I signed and she rolled her eyes at me and said it was a verbal agreement. If she made one with hubz I never knew about it. I asked hubz and he said he has never heard of any agreement.  Besides, how is sending $150 sporadically going to make a dent in a house that should by all means be torn down and rebuilt from scratch? 


And let us talk about this "rent free" gig here because it SOUNDS great in theory... We moved in here out of necessity when we had custody of hubz son, we were both in college and could not afford a place to stay. When we moved in here we threw away over 25 construction garbage bags (we stopped counting at 25 bags) of rat soiled, urine soaked, feces infested, rats nest habitats. It wasn't like an episode of hoarders, it WAS an episode of hoarders! I have witnesses. 


Then when we would go "visit" them we spend every waking hour cleaning the hoarders-esque house they lived in up there. We would take a week off THREE times a year and do the same thing every single time! I lost count of how many rat skeletons (a dead kitten skeleton once too) I have found cleaning up after them. Then when they had the house fire, we went up again and removed the contents and salvaged what they could save and I personally steam cleaned every piece of fabric covered furniture they own. We went back after that and demo-ed lap and plaster walls for a week. When everyone got sick working in the heat, I filled up a dump truck with debris ALONE, BY MYSELF! We went back twice after that to help with more repairs. 


If you added up all of the work I have done (not just the cleaning, but haircuts, mani/pedis, laundry, chauffeur services, deliveries, cooking, and my time in general... just my work not hubz), I have more than covered my "free rent" in this house. 


ALSO, I refuse to live in a state of chaos. why do their medicine cases need to be in the middle of the living room? I have on more that 3 separate occasions walked over FIL dirty underwear laying on the living room floor. I am repulsed! It is bad enough the man refuses to sleep in the same bed as his wife and sleeps on my couch IN HIS UNDERWEAR WITH NO COVER and I have to walk through the living room to get anywhere in the house, but COME ON MAN pikc up your dirty clothes. When you walk into the house it smells like feet and armpits. We have started to just go straight to our room and stay there.


"You wont let me speak my piece and you keep saying it is in the past, leave it there!"


DUH! First of all I have NO FREAKING IDEA WHAT SHE IS TALKING ABOUT! I think that is why I am going loco over here. I made no pacts, agreements, contracts, or blood oaths. I double checked my sanity with hubz and he agrees with me as well. Why does she want to dredge up the past (at least the fictional past she thinks is reality). What does this solve? How is it helping out current situation. Why does she insist on arguing with me at every turn?


"This is OUR house and I am SO SORRY we put you out by moving back into OUR house!"


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND, there it is. I was waiting for that one. I honestly thought I had at least one more month before that chestnut was cracked open. You are darn tootin I am put out. You call me a week before you are moving down to tell me MIL is coming to stay until the house is finished... and you BOTH get here and a week later spring the news that you are BOTH staying indefinitely. You had no intentions of leaving. Who wouldn't be put out? 


"You don't care about us at all!"


I really don't care what they think of me, I don't care why they don't trust me. I love my hubz and I care about him and how HE feels about me and that is all that matters.


I just pawned my wedding band, engagement ring, and anniversary ring to pay the electricity and buy groceries because I don't care. My bank account is in the negative for covering you because I don't care. I would not let an animal suffer in this heat and if I have to part with the symbol of my love for my hubs so NONE of us suffer in this heat then so be it.


But it is very hard to care about someone who treats you with contempt. Who called you a waste of time, money and space. Who told her sons ex wife to call the police and have him arrested because he was marrying me and will never pay his child support, so just have him arrested now. It is very hard to care about someone who constantly talks down to everyone and belittles them. It is very hard to care for someone who ignores your boundaries and is selfish and thinks of only how things will affect or reflect on them. It is so very hard to care about someone who demands attention the second you walk into her presence.

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That day was the final straw, I am trusting in my Heavenly Father that he will lead me through this horrible time. I do not know what to do right now. I cannot move until my finances are in better order. I went to the doctor and got back on my depression/anxiety meds and hope to feel better soon (or feel nothing, both a win win lol). 

She acts like nothing happened. I walk out the door for work and she says in a saccharine sweet voice, "have a good day" and "good evening" when I get home from work. I am not EVEN going to waste my breath on trying to get her to see my side of the story... it will only hurt and frustrate me even more. I have a great network of friends who know me and know everything she said is a lie and she is trying to hurt me. She probably cannot talk to FIL the way she wants to so I play the part of the whipping boy until the circus closes... the tears of a clown... but they will be sad when this big top closes for business because 90% of the stuff in this house is ours and we are am taking it when we leave! I am not trying to be spiteful, this may be YOUR house but these are our belongings. 

life in perspective

Seriously! what is wrong with me? I am feeling so sorry for myself and my situation right now. and a friend of mine is going through huge medical issues with her baby son... i feel like a horrible person posting this but i HAVE to get it out of my head or i will go crazy


I dont know how much longer I can last here. I am in my craft room working and of course she goes in there MIL starts digging through my hat pattern pieces and takes a piece out then she comments on the die and she is impressed that "they cut the tabs out for me" I point out that I designed it that way, and she was like oh, hmp. then she proceeds for fold up my hat brim I was like ummm what are you doing,and she says, (get this) this is MY fabric! (she bought a yard and gave me half)

do Ii tell her it was the buckram IIIII bought? NO so I tell her yes, and I left you a half a yard JUST like you told me to I left the room as she was saying she was sorry and she will iron out the folds 

and yesterday she has the nerve to tell me she was tired of doing the dishes

Today FIL was saying how he wanted to put a second story on this house with a seperate entrance and she says "for us?" and he said, no for them she glared at me! what did I do? 

 MIL is always saying they have no money and how they dont know how they will buy groceries,  I have bought $300 in groceries in the last 3 weeks and they have eaten $250 of that

I am so sick of hearing her huff and puff and choke on her food, I don't know if that's all an act because she only does it at home, but I suspect it is,  she has fake vomited DURING dinner 3 times and she is all like "drink please" and he hands her a drink and she coughs for the rest of the meal and when she is not making me lose my appetite buy coughing, she is bringing up money or other topics to ruin my dinner she keeps asking me about my income. 

I am trying to be understanding. I know what situation they are in... FIL is eligable to get social security of $1500 a month and he refuses to go apply for it. He needs to go get his birth certificate so he can get his identification so he can get ANYTHING, and he refuses!

I am at my wits end with these people. I went to SELL MY JEWELRY (my anniversary ring) to get some money to pay my cell phone bill and she says "good luck, we have bills to pay." WE?! 

The electricity is due to be cut off day after tomorrow, I dont have the money to pay it AND they have been here for a month now using the electric ALL DAY LONG! and I am supposed to come up with all the money to pay for that 

Jesus please show me what I need to do!

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yesterday i talked about hubs idea to build a garage apartment or second story with a separate entrance and we could have our own space and they would have income coming in. We told them that we would rather pay them rent and help them out than some stranger. All they would have to do is go get the home improvement loan and we would help with the construction, the payments for them would be about $500 a month and we would be willing to pay $700 in rent for our own space. well FIL walks out of the room and i told MIL what a toll it is on our marriage. She said she would talk to richard... 

So today when we were walking out the door, i told them they needed to discuss the offer and make a decision today weather or not they were going to do any additions to the property. If they were we would do what they needed us to do to help. If they were not we were going to find a place and move.

They do not pick up after themselves, the living room is littered with their dirty clothes. the have stuff everywhere. it is chaotic and makes me anxious. 

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Well they said no, so we are planning on moving.


This is going to be so hard for us as I am taking a substantial pay cut with a new job to go back to school to get my bachelors degree. Hubz is still looking for another job and we have not heard anything about him going back to teach in the fall. 


I am so depressed all i want to do is cry.

stabby stab stab

It boggles the mind that someone so generous at times can be so... miserly.

Sunday I gave hubz a break and took the in-laws to Walmart. We get in the store and I am with FIL. We find MIL in the fabric section. She has bolts of fabric in her basket and is pulling more down. She asks me what i thought of them. I said they are nice I like them. She asks if they would make nice hats, I say sure. then she says, "Well we don't have any money so i cannot buy these for you. We are so in debt right now that we can barely afford our medicine" To which I reply, "I don't need them, you asked me what I thought I told you. If I want/need them I can buy them myself." And then she says, Well I just wanted to know that you thought."

ARHAGRHAAGghrgahrgGgrhgrgAHAGGRG!!!!

No you didn't! if that was the case what is up with all the we cannot afford it BS? SIGH!!!

So we get home and I go to my craft room and start working. I am in there for like 10 minutes and she comes in. She says, "Is there anything I can do, I just feel so useless around here?" I told her, sure if you want to iron all this wrinkled fabric that would really help me out. So she does. So about 2 hours pass and I tell her we are done for the day and she says she feels bad because she really wished she could do more but she is so sick that she just cannot do what she used to do any more.

Is that supposed to make me feel sorry for her or guilty that I put her to work?

UGH.

Nothing to see here.

So last week was fairly uneventful. FIL didn't break, ruin, then fix anything. MIL pretty much stayed to herself. Hubz started a 3D refresher course last week so, we have not been home much. I am sure that is the reason for the calm before the storm.

Friday we took F/MIL to dinner for a belated mothers, early fathers day and wanted to take them to the movies but they didn't want to go. We got home and hubz asked if I was ready, I was confused and he said  we are going to the movies. Hubz turned it into an impromptu date night. I was pleasantly surprised. We saw Madagascar 3 and went for fro yo after. It was wonderful.

Did it do any good?

Well yesterday we had "the talk" with MIL and FIL. We turned off the tv and all sat in the living room and I started the conversation telling them that we are all here because we are all adults and we need to communicate as such. points made were:

1. Hubz feels like he has been banned from the living areas and is not allowed to use his stuff any more (ie, tv, computer, etc...)

2. Hubz also feels like he cannot sat anything because they own the house and they are his parents.

3. Although we really do appreciate the fixing of the household things, please ask before you do something. (mentioned the ruined clothes and boxes of soap and fabric softener).

3b. Respect and consideration for others and their property. if you drop something pick it up (common sense). If you use something, put it back, if you break something, fix it or tell the owner.

4. I need everyone out of my craft room BEFORE I get home. I need my privacy and space to work.

5. There are 3 grown people in this house and I am the only one currently working so I should not have to come home from work to overflowing dishes and trash. Pick up after yourself, wash the dishes you use and keep an eye out for the trash, if it gets full, empty it.

6. None of us (as far as I know) can read each others mind... I hope... so please open your mouth and say something. If hubz wants to watch tv or play video games he is going to have to ask for the tv back. If MIL is doing dishes and needs them put away, ask.

7. Dogs. Stop feeding them people food. And make sure they are ALL in before you close the door. (at least one of the dogs has been left outside on more than 3 occasions).

8. I also told them about me going to school (still waiting for the other shoe to drop on that one) and about being laid off in one month. MIL looked like she was about to have a panic attack. She got a little hysterical and raised her voice and said that the only income they have is her social security check and the bills it pays. Then she said FIL needs to do something, either get a job or go apply for social security. She continued saying their meds are about $1,000 a month and she has medicare but that is all. FIL had insurance through his employer and now he has nothing. FIL also has not called his employer since a week after he was laid off to find another job. She said, "I have done everything I can, if you can get him to call or do something you are welcome to try." I looked at FIL and told him, "You need to call them first thing Monday morning." He did not respond.

So after the "come to Jesus" meeting, I asked hubz what he thought, and he said it wouldn't do any good. To which I replied, but at least we made our peace. If you got fired because you were late and your boss never warned you, it would be totally unfair. But if your boss says, if you are late one more time you are fired, then fair play. We aired our grievances so now no one can say, well they didn't know how you felt.

I feel bad for MIL. She is an anxious, depressed woman. If she could I think she would go out and get a job but her physical limitations prevent that. FIL seems quite content to tinker around the house all day (usually ending in something of ours ruined) instead of finding gainful employment or income.

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Last night MIL asked me where a particular shirt was and I had no clue what happened to it. Last time I saw it she was cutting off "jewels" from it. She said, "If I am going to be sewing that wedding dress for your client, I need that shirt to practice on." When I told her the dress was not made out of that kind of material, she argued with me that it was. I told her my client said it was a jersey dress but it is more slinky than t-shirt material. and she says yes that was what that shirt was made from.

WTH?

Let me tell you what is so very wrong with this picture...

First of all SHE WAS NEVER THERE! I showed her a pic from my camera phone but she never saw the dress or the fabric in real life. I do not have a sample of the fabric... So how can a person sit there and argue with you over something they have not seen in person or felt the texture of?

Secondly, no one, not me, nor my client, nor hubz asked her or even mentioned needing her help. I am perfectly capable of doing ALL of the alterations required on this dress. If I were not 100% confident in my abilities there is NO way I would attempt it, or even suggest such a feat.

This just goes to show me that she still does not think I know what I am doing. See past post.

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Today, I kidnapped hubz to be my chauffeur while bestie and I went supply shopping. As we were headed out the door, MIL asked if I could find some 6" wide lace to make gloves for the steampunkers, they would like them. I know she is trying to help and trying to contribute, but sometimes you just want to do your own thing. I found and bought lace, I am going to get her to make a pair for me and see if I want to add it to the inventory.

I am also going to hurt hubz if he keeps on telling them all my business! Sometimes you just wanna go and not have to say anything to anyone. Why do we have to tell them where we are going? We are adults, grown folk who do not need permission (much less judgement) about where we go and what we do.

So tired and exhausted. productive day and great time being out of the house! I want to move so bad!

Perhaps I was wrong?

I was so stressed about MIL coming and staying with us, but she is not as bad as FIL! He is oblivious to anyone elses' wants, needs or feelings. He ruined my inject-able diabetes pen, took apart the washer, and yes he did eventually fix it but in the meantime the wet clothes he removed from the washer get mildewed and ruined. Then I come home today and he has taken the door off of hubz office and put it on the doorway to the hall, Top it all off, he just threw the curtain and rod that was hanging there on the floor no, where should I put this, or even told anyone that he did it.  Once again... NO ONE IS ASKING HIM TO DO ANY OF THESE THINGS!!!

I need to get out of here! I am being laid off in a month and do not know if I can get my other job back. I am in a holding pattern until June 8 when my former boss comes back from vacation. I need so desperately to move out of here and get away from people who have no respect for me or my belongings.

Right now FIL is in my craft studio watching tv in there. MIL is in the living room watching tv in there. Hubz and I are in our bedroom. Hubz confessed to me that he feels like he has been kicked out of the living areas and banned to the bedroom. The only place I feel safe and at peace is the bedroom.

I do not want to be here, I don't want to come home from work, I want to jump in my car and run away! I asked hubz why he wont say anything, why he refuses to defend himself and he said because they own the house and he feels like he has no right to say anything. Sad thing is, they are using all of our stuff and we can no longer enjoy our home. We have become the "house guests".